A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to rundown to the
beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He
kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.


All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,
ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs he dropped the bucket of snails. There were
snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.


He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far to go now!"

Billy Conolly - his own words:

Things I hate about everybody....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well
I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

WOMAN'S DIARY

16 May 2009 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late
meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed
And didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and
Turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs
To bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe
he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 16 May

Sharks lost the rugby. So close….
Gutted.
Got a pomp though.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates,
do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not.



Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about
him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.



Socrates continued..' You may still pass the test though, because
there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.



Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed.


This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high esteem.



It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: ....









Always keep your condoms in your car.

THIS IS SO CLEVER TAKE NOTE LOL

No honey, I don't feel like it tonight...." This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!

What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them
all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a
pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she
picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so
excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to
think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look
like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for
who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that girl
knows I'm smarter than her.

Jacob Zuma was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below.

Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to the Aquarium in Cape Town ' Jacob said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special President's aeroplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want seasonal rugby tickets.' Jacob said, 'I'll get them for you and even have the teams sign memorabilia for you!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Jacob was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!'

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table,eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken coffee Table $239.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:



PRICELESS

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

South African Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
South African Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are
doing to us.

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenz decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse
went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in
the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to
shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you
want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like
Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally,
I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way
to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the
mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He
ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted, "OH ****! I forgot I was riding the mare!"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?

"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

Management Course


Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”


”It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.



“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.



The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”



The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.



The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”



The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”



Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.


On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.



The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.”


”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. “Puff!” She's gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. “Puff!” He's gone.



“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”


”Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.”



The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.



A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

There is a moral to this story….





> Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large

> breasts. Nick the

> Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He

> knew that the penalty for his desire

> would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to

> try. One day Nick revealed his secret

> desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the

> King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this

> and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than

> satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000

> gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed

> to the scheme.

>

> The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and

> poured a little bit

> into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she

> dressed, the itching commenced and grew

> intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to

> address this incident, Horatio informed

> the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied

> for four hours, would cure this type of itch,

> and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would

> work as the antidote to cure the itch.

>

> The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to

> their

> chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the

> itching powder, which he put into his

> mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked

> passionately on the Queen's large and

> magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually

> relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed

> as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found

> Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold

> coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't

> have cared less and, knowing that Horatio

> could never report this matter to the King, and with a

> laugh told him to get lost.

>

> The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same

> itching powder

> into the King's underwear. The King immediately

> summoned Nick.

>

> The moral of the story............

>

> Pay your bills
_____________

Plaas seun stap kroeg binne met 'n volstruis onder die een arm

en 'n toiletbak vol R100 note onder die ander.

Die kroegman vra: "En die?"

Seun: " My pa het gesê as jy "girls" soek, moet jy of 'n groot voël hê of 'n k@khuis vol geld hê.

Ek vat nie kaanse nie.


=========================================================================

Gatiep asks a prostitute "How much?
She says "R50 on the bed, R20 on the sofa, R10 on the grass".
He hands her R50 and says "Let's go!"
She says "R50! You are obviously a man of class".

He responds "Class se GAT! - 5 keer op die gras....."

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending
to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give
me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)



He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark

A woman
decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't' she says.

'...I was behind you at McDonalds.'

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British
TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'


The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
so... praat meer Afrikaans!!

Long ago when PC's were slow, heavy and ugly... and users were stupid idiots, that stuffed everything up
uh! oops my bad, at teast the PC's improved

anyway this story comes from the days before windows (yes to the youngsters, there was life before windows, things were simple then, and the pc hardly ever crashed)

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer... Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes... About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet .... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't .... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her .... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache .... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.


Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-**glutus maximus** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Pick up lines -sigh, male mentality

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Pick up lines -sigh, male mentality

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,I bet we could do it in public.

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
[b][u]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"