The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.
My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor!
This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a
penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown
the wrong **woof woof** out the window."

I hate the idea that Chuck Norris has super-human powers. He is an actor, not a god. If he really is special, I dare him to magically appear in my house right now, sneak up behind me, and slam my face into the keyboaygth6fryh uj trygfy8it5 6 b6cju

Oh I loved this..

Chuck Norris died yesterday.
But dont worry, he is feeling better and will be back at work tomorrow.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:

Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won’t believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber
refused saying "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at
the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying
"you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the
door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying
"you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers
waiting for a haircut.

Chuck Norris peed in a trucks gas tank that truck is now Optimus prime

That is my fave Chuck Norris joke!

Ok... So I hate it when fat people say that it runs in the family. It is obvious no one runs in THAT family.

Statistically 9/11 Americans wont get this

eish! thats harsh and funny!

I was gonna tell you all a gay joke... Butt fsck it

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as
a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set
the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the Blonde was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked
the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I
want to make a pot of coffee."

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A married lawyer had sex in his car and forgot the girl's panties in his
car. His wife saw the panties in the back seat, tore it apart screaming
'what's this?' He calmly replied, "you just destroyed the evidence of a
rape case, worth millions that I'm handling. She quickly went on her
knees apologizing. Do you call him Smart, A Good Lawyer or A Damn Good
Liar?
Give that man a BELLS! J

Mickey Mouse goes to see a lawyer to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse. He explains why he wants to get divorced to his lawyer, and they set the court date for the next day. The next day in court, the lawyer gets up and reads the statement:
"My client, Mr Mouse would like to divorce Mrs Mouse, because he believes she is showing signs of mental illness".
Mickey Mouse jumps up and says "I never said she is mentally ill, I said she was **Bad(verb/adj)** Goofy!"

LOL!!!!

When Chuck Norris is horny, not even the crack of dawn is safe.

i wish i could say this to some people sometimes!


This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .....'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

sometimes i feel like writing error messages into the code, to tell dumb ppl to piss of cause they messing up the system. I have that urge all the time.

sometimes i have to control my self when replying to emails.

HAHA that would be cool though!

God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said "That's a long time to be barking, how about only ten years and I'll give you back the other 10?" So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." The monkey said "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog did?" So God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said "You must go in the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 80 years." The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?" And God agreed again.

Then God created the human and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." But the Human said "Only 20 years? Could I possibly get my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80 years." God said "Okay, but you asked for it."

And that's why for the first 20 years of our lives we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years of our lives we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has been explained to you.

One day Chuck got tired of investment banking and decided to become a farmer. He packed his things and bought a Texas ranch.

Eventually Chuck bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey following week.

When the day came, the farmer showed up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'Whattaya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'That's my business.'

A month later, the farmer bumped into Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I held a raffle. People could pay a dollar per ticket for a chance to win a free donkey. I sold five hundred tickets!'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain when they found out the donkey was dead?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his dollar."

Piesank wrote:God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said "That's a long time to be barking, how about only ten years and I'll give you back the other 10?" So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." The monkey said "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you ten back like the dog did?" So God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said "You must go in the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 80 years." The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?" And God agreed again.

Then God created the human and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years." But the Human said "Only 20 years? Could I possibly get my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80 years." God said "Okay, but you asked for it."

And that's why for the first 20 years of our lives we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years of our lives we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has been explained to you.

quality

WHAT IF OTHER COMPANIES BESIDES DUREX MADE CONDOMS....


PANASONIC CONDOMS:
Quest for zero defect.

...
NIKE CONDOMS:
Just do it.


TOYOTA CONDOMS:
Oh, What a feeling.


EVEREADY CONDOMS:
Keep on going and going and going.


PRINGLES CONDOMS:
Once you pop, you can't stop.


NISSAN CONDOMS:
Life's a journey, enjoy the ride.


STANDARD BANK CONDOMS:
With us you can go so much further.


YOKOHAMA CONDOMS:
Serious rubber.


FIRST NATIONAL BANK CONDOMS:
We'll never be too big.


CGS CONDOMS:
Because only balls should bounce


DOMESTOS CONDOMS:
Kills all known sperms dead!


PANADO CONDOMS:
The GP's choice.


BENSON AND HEDGES CONDOMS:
Share the feeling.


SEIKO KINETIC CONDOMS:
Someday all condoms will be made this way.

CREMORA CONDOMS:
If it's not on top then it's inside.


KELLOGS CONDOMS:
Guess who got it all this morning ...

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."