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Two blondes were heading for the airport,

Driving on the highway, they saw a sign "Airport Left".

So they turned around and headed home

Q. Two Brakpan guys jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.


Q. What does a Brakpan girl use as protection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.


Q. What do you call a Brakpan Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant.


Q. Why did the Brakpan guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.


Q. What do you call a Brakpan girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.


Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from Brakpan on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.


Q. What's the first question during a Brakpan quiz night?
A. What you looking at?


Q. Two Brakpan Blokes in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The police!


Q. What do you say to a Brakpan person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.

A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in and closed the door,just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.
Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve. Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for Black-Label. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, that's the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it".

A woman was in a coma; she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight Response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.



They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him that, crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."



The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: -
1. To be shot dead.
2. To be Hung.
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly!
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Sipho's turn, and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Sipho fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots!" so the guards did. Now Sipho was laughing so hard and hysterically, tears rolling from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden asked, "What's wrong with you?"
Then SIPHO replied, "Eish!!! You guys are stupid...I am wearing a condom."

The Moral of Aunty Thunga from Chatsworth

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Manogran, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Thunga. Aunty Thunga was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*** away from Aunty Thunga when she's drunk..'
__________________

Julius and the Pope

The Pope and Julius Malema are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Julius and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Julius replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped him

TWEE OUENS IN WOOLWORTHS STAMP MEKAAR SE WINKELTROLLIES.
DIE EEN SÊ: "HEL, EK'S JAMMER, MAN, MAAR EK SOEK MY VROU."
DIS TOEVALLIG. EK SOEK MYNE OOK."

"MISKIEN KAN ONS MEKAAR HELP. HOE LYK JOU VROU?"
"SY'S LANK. SY'T LANG, DONKER HARE, LANG BENE MET MOOI KUITE, GROTERIGE, FERM TIETE EN 'N OULIKE, STYWE GAT.
HOE LYK JOUNE?"

"F#K DIT. KOM ONS SOEK JOUNE."

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None, its a hardware problem.

I didnt know where to post them...so I am posting them here.

ok i have changed it a little, i will call the female dog "mitch"

Subject: WRONG MITCH

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked,
"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong mitch out the window.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to

get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns

to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have
a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

The Obedient Wife'

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling”.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We're selling **glutus maximus**-holes”.
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, “You doing velly well, only two left”

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

TOUCHE ! ! !

> Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
>
> Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
> good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
>
> After some time he realizes he was nasty and
> decides to make amends and rings her up.
>
> She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
> says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
>
> She says, 'I was in bed.'
>
> 'In bed this early, doing what?'
>
> 'Getting a second opinion!'>
> ***************************************

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wants to upgrade to Windows 7, to which he replied 'I still love Vista, baby'

At a doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of
serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him, "What the hell
did you do to your back?

"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night
club? Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and
heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as my wife was
lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the
balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony
I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself. I
grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back ".

The 2 nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you? "The 2 nd patient replies, "You know I
have been unemployed for a while now Doctor?
Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set
my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building,
getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit
by a fridge.

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
did. The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to
you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge ............ !

One day a farmer goes into town to see a vet to see if how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if there standing up in the morning there not pregnant, but if there rolling in the mud they are. So the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick-up and takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all once. Then he takes them home and unloads them in there pin. Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed. The next morning he gets up and checks on the pigs and there standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and fucks them all twice. Then goes home, quickly unloads them in there pin, and goes right to bed. The next morning, very tired, the farmer gets up to check on his pigs, but they are still standing. Again, he loads them in the truck, takes them to the woods, and fucks them three times. Then he takes them home, unloads them, and goes straight to bed. The next morning the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. He tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. His wife replies neither, they're all in the back of the truck, and ones laying on the horn.

Deborah Patta recently interviewed Julias Malema, below is just one of the questions she asked Julias(The ANC youth league president).


Deborah Patta: “Julias, if you had failed grade 12 would you have committed suicide?”
Julius: “Me commit a suicide?... I'd rather kill myself than doing such a horrible thing.”

why am I not surprised

THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON . ONE DAY A FLORIST GOES TO HIM
FOR A HAIRCUT. AFTER THE CUT, HE GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AND THE BARBER
REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY
SERVICE..'
THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.

NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A 'THANK YOU'
CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
A POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER
THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM
YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.
THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.

THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU
CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.

AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE
BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT
MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE. '
THE INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES.

THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP,
GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...?
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CAN YOU GUESS?
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TRY TO GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
COME ON, THINK LIKE AN INDIAN...... ......... ..
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A DOZEN INDIANS WAITING FOR HAIRCUT!